Hope Chest

To Live is Christ; To Die is Gain

2010-04-29T21:39:00.004-04:00

One of the advantages of experiencing loss is that my view of death has changed. I no longer fear my own death. I now can understand Paul’s meaning when he penned the words, “to live is Christ, to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). Paul spent his entire life in devotion to Christ and he knew that his imminent and inevitable death while he waited his beheading would be his departure to his true home, heaven (Philippians 3:20).

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she intuitively knew that she would not be cured. When the doctor delivered the news that her cancer was fatal, her reaction was acceptance. As any mother would, she worried about leaving behind her family and mourned that she would not live to see her future grandchildren, but she was surrendered to God’s will even though it meant that she would not receive an earthly deliverance. In our most vulnerable moments, we all fear death, but Hebrews 2:15 says that He will free us from the fear of death which has enslaved us.

Before experiencing death of my close loved ones, I had always imagined death as a defeat and as Satan’s victory. In reality, death is God’s ultimate rescue from a sinful world, from decaying bodies, from pain and suffering, and to bring us into His presence spiritually and physically. “The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed, and will bring me safely to His kingdom; to Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.” (II Timothy 4:18, NASB). As we finish our lives and the path ahead of us, we need to desire in our lives (and in our deaths), that Christ be exalted (Philippians 1:20). At the time of our deaths, we will finally encounter Christ who laid down His life for us. As we close our eyes in this world, we will open them to the magnificience of heaven and to see the face we have waited our entire spiritual life to see. What a beautiful day that will be.

If you are suffering from overwhelming and paralyzing grief from the loss of a loved one or shock from an unexpected diagnosis, Romans 8:18 reminds us that our present sufferings and circumstances will be nothing when we compare them to the glory that is ahead. Life is not over here. The best is yet to come.

Deliver Me!

2010-03-05T14:32:00.000-05:00

Do you relate to these verses?

"I loathe my own life: I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul." (Job 10:1, NASB)

"My days are past, my plans are torn apart, even the wishes of my heart."
"For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes." (Job 17:11, NASB)

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day." (Psalm 13:1-2, NASB)

"I am benumbed and badly crushed: I groan because of the agitation of my heart."(Psalm 38:8, NASB)

"I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; My eyes fail while I wait for my God." (Psalm 69:3)

God is our deliverer (Psalms 140:7). He can deliver us from our troubles or He can deliver us through our troubles. Over the course of our life, we probably have (and will have in the future) experienced both. Constantly, we must challenge ourselves to not measure God by our expectation for they are limited. God does not deliver us by the same methods over and over or in the way that we dictate. There are times when God does deliver from loneliness or from sickness, but there are times when He gives you the strength to go through it.

If you are experiencing a time of trouble, we need prayer to see God continue to deliver us. Have you ever experienced the effects of intercessory prayer? During the first year of my loss, I felt the prayers of people around me. It gave me peace and comfort even during the time of my life when my heart was shattered. People wrote me saying that they had been praying for me, people I didn't even know. I can testify with complete confidence that those prayers delivered me from the deep pit of depression and gave me the strength to carry on.

This is not an exhaustive list, but the book of Psalms offers many verses of comfort and hope for the Lord's deliverance.

Psalm 9:9-10

Psalm 33:20

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 40:1-3

Psalm 50:15

Psalm 68:5-6

Psalm 82:4

Psalm 84:11

Psalm 116:5-7

Psalm 119:143

Psalm 121

Psalm 145:18-19

Psalm 146:8-9

Psalm 147:11

Temper Tantrum

2010-01-25T13:08:00.002-05:00

Job 5:2 “Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.” (NLT)
Psalm 37:8” Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm.” (NLT)

Last summer, I determined that I was going to power-wash my deck and remove the buildup from the elements. I hooked up the hose to the power-washer and turned it on and nothing happened. Machinery malfunctions all the time and it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it enraged me. I screamed in frustration and kicked it with all my might across the garage. I picked it up and threw it onto the cement driveway and grabbed a T-ball bat and started smashing it. All the anger and resentment poured out of me in my temper tantrum as my kids stood with their mouths agape in shock. My face burns in shame when I think of how ridiculous I must have looked to my neighbors and my children. What I was really so angry about was the fact that this would have been my husband’s job had he been alive. But, now it’s mine and I hate it. I hate the responsibility of having to do the job of both a father and a mother, of having to manage the upkeep of the home, of having no one to help me make decisions, of having to provide financially for my children, of feeling like no one really understood how much I hurt, of spending every night alone.

It is well-documented that anger is the second stage we must pass through to heal from loss. During this time, the grieving individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. For awhile, denial worked for me. I tried to convince myself that Aaron was away on a business trip and Grace had never been born, but I was confronted with the loss eventually and I heard myself uttering these phrases “Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; Kubler-Ross believes that during this stage it’s normal for any individual that symbolizes life or energy to be subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

I am ashamed to admit it, but there are times when I am so envious of others. Friends complain to me about their marital problems and although I would never say this to them, inside I am thinking, “At least you have a husband. Mine is dead and I am all alone.” Envy is like a disease. Solomon says in Proverbs 14:30 that envy rots our bones. I have hated that in myself, but it seemed as though I am unable to rise above it. Especially at first, it was so painful to see families together and know that I was once like them.

My childish temper tantrum reminds me of my daughter. Lily has many wonderful qualities, but she is very stubborn and has been since birth. There was a time around her first birthday when she and I really engaged in a power struggle over who was actually in control of our relationship. Most parents have probably experienced something similar with their child at one point or another (or maybe several times). Being the bright child that she is, she quickly figured out that she had the upper hand when we were in public. I remember being in Target one time with her and she decided she did not want to be there. Her plans for what she wanted to do were different than mine and she was going to make it as difficult as possible for me to complete my agenda. She laid down on the store floor and screamed in rage and kicked her feet. When I tried to pick her up, she would alternate between going completely limp and rigid just to make things difficult and announce her displeasure. I did the same with God when I screamed and kicked the power-washer. Like my one-year old daughter, I was angry because God’s plans for my life were different than mine. I have also had to submit to my Heavenly Father, my loving parent, and allow Him to guide me in my life. It's not easy. I still feel envious sometimes, but with God's help, hopefully I can stop having temper tantrums.

Psalm 46 (NIV)

2010-01-07T14:47:00.000-05:00

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

My Disappointment

2009-12-07T18:28:00.003-05:00

Every year, my Christmas list would be the first one finished because I only asked for one thing: a Barbie Dream House. It was so beautiful, and so out of my parent's price range. Each year, I would hope and pray that the small wrapped presents under the tree with my name would reveal underneath all the wrappings a little note that would say, "Look in the closet for your REAL present". I imagined myself opening the closet door and gasping with surprise and happiness when I saw the Barbie dream house, but the dream house was just that -- a dream. I never received one, but my cousin did. I would go over to her house and see all her toys and watch her play with the toy that I so desperately wanted knowing that it wasn't mine and she didn't even care about it as much as I did. And I was disappointed.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. We all have something in our life that we want and repeatedly ask God for: maybe we are praying for a baby like Hannah, a restored relationship that is beyond repair, someone to love us, a nicer home, financial relief, improved health, the salvation of a loved one, and the list goes on. When no relief comes, our faith is shaken because God has not given us the life we hoped for, planned for, and worked for. He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want or when we want and it hurts.

I never expected to be a widow at the age of 33 or to lose one of my children. I never would have chosen to raise my children as a single mom. Those were disappointments to me because it was not how I dreamed my life would be. But, the disappointment has continued as three-and-a-half years have past and I am still alone and raising kids alone and I don't foresee an end in sight. God knows how I feel about my circumstance which entails emotions ranging from anger, resentment, envy, and bitterness. Can you relate? Is there a prayer in your life that is unanswered or a circumstance that you wish there were a way out?

This is when our faith is challenged and when it can wither and die or it can grow. Do you believe that God in His wisdom and goodness allowed your pain? Ouch. That is a stumblingblock for all of us who have suffered loss. How could God who proclaims a deep love for me allow me to not only hurt like this, but continue in it? Psalms 139:13-17 says that our lives - including our pain - were planned by God. But that pain has a purpose. Joseph did not understand why he was falsely accused and imprisoned, but God had a reason for it and it was a big one. To save the Hebrew nation. All we can do is trust God in the midst that some good will come and that our pain will have a purpose.

A bruised heart that chooses to beat with a passion for God amid pulsing pain may be the most expensive offering placed on the divine altar. -- Beth Moore

Beating the Holiday Blues

2009-11-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

Christmas used to be fun. As a child/young adult, I would count down the days until Christmas and carefully make out my lists and dream of all the possibilities that the day would bring. Now, holidays are just like any other day and something I would rather avoid. Why did they become like that? I think there are a number of reasons: holidays are now devoid of meaning because our old traditions and reunions are impossible with the loss of a loved one, financial limitations, loneliness, separation from friends, the reasons go on. Holiday blues set in and rob us of the joy of the season.

How do we overcome the holiday blues? There are practical things such as eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, surrounding yourself with support and avoiding those who annoy us, scheduling downtime, sticking to a budget, make new traditions, do something or watch something that makes you laugh, and look for opportunities to do something for others.

Our faith also comes into play. We have to believe that God blesses the faithful.

Max Lucado writes this, "Just when the womb gets too old for babies, Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace, David is pardoned. And just when the road is too dark for Mary and Mary, the angel glows, and the Savior shows, and the two women will never be the same. The lesson? Three words. Don't give up. Is the trail dark? Don't sit. Is the road long? Don't stop. Is the night black? Don't quit.... God is watching. For all you know, right at this moment he may be telling the angel to move the stone. The check may be in the mail. The apology may be in the making. The job contract may be on the desk. Don't quit. For if you do, you may miss the answer to your prayers. God still sends angels. And God still moves stones."

Lonely, So Lonely

2009-10-28T12:04:00.000-04:00

There are 6.8 billion people on the Earth at the time of this writing, and yet I am lonely. How is this possible, there are people everywhere! It’s obvious that loneliness is not cured by having people in your vicinity. Max Lucado writes, “Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone. Feeling as if you are facing death alone, facing disease alone, facing the future alone.” While you may be facing these things, you aren’t alone for the Lord is with you. God loves and will not leave you even when your friends don’t give you the support you need or at night when you cry yourself to sleep. Your future is not empty. You have God walking alongside with you and don’t need to be desperate for the love of others.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NIV)

Always Winter, But Never Christmas

2009-10-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

In the winter following Aaron and Grace’s death, I would look out my window and see the barren trees and think to myself how my life mirrored them. My feelings are echoed in C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia, that when the White Witch cast her spell she trapped everything into an “always winter but never Christmas world”. Lewis’s illustration of snow melting is a good one, I think, to suggest how a person’s long coldness of heart may be changed, bit by bit, into a warmer, living heart for God. Like the tree in the summer, my life was once lush, beautiful, rich, full of color, and fragrant. Then fall set in, and the bright green summer leaves fell away and left the tree ugly, barren, dark, and empty. Now, I look out at the trees and know that even in the midst of winter, the trees’ roots and foundations aren’t injured at all. It is making way for new leaves in the spring. Our lives are like that too. The disappointments and pain in life make room for new and different blessings. We will bloom again someday.

"All around them, though out of sight, there were streams chattering, bubbling, splashing and even (in the distance) roaring. And his heart gave a great leap (though he hardly knew why) when he realised that the frost was over." C.S. Lewis

Help! A Milestone is Coming.....

2009-10-11T16:52:00.002-04:00

Some suggestions for upcoming milestones are as follows:

• There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.

• Focus your celebrations on the season: go to a mountain lodge; go sledding or skiing, or just take a walk in the woods--time out to enjoy what nature has to offer in this season.

• Include the deceased in your conversations and celebrations. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Look at photographs. Once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one, they can relate stories that will add to your pleasant memories.

• Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.

• Plan to be with the people YOU enjoy.

• Do something for others: volunteer at a soup kitchen; visit the lonely and shut-ins; ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family; provide help for a needy family; volunteer at the airport to pour coffee for stranded travelers; or offer to volunteer in a hospital on the holiday; if your city has a Ronald McDonald House, see if you can help make their holiday happier.

• Don't be afraid to express your feelings. Allow people to comfort you. They need to feel they are helping in some way.

• Remember, anticipation of any holiday is much worse than the actual holiday.

• Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.

• Try to get enough rest.

My Friend is Experiencing Loss: What Can I do?

2009-10-11T16:46:00.003-04:00

Your friend is hurting and in crisis. You want to help, but you don't know how. Here are some suggestions and tips. Please reread the post "How You Can Help Me" on this blog for additional practical ideas:

If you are geographically close, drop by as much as possible and just keep your friend company. If you aren't nearby, call her daily to let her know that she is not alone and look closely for abnormal depression. In my experience (a general rule of thumb), the most critical times are weeks 6-10 when depression really gets a hold on you after the shock and adrenaline wear off. If you see signs of utter despair and hopelessness and the Holy Spirit plants an urge in you to worry, you need to drop everything and go to her and don't wait. Just knowing that someone will be stopping by helps you feel more accountable. Just draw upon your own experiences and remember what helped you when you felt lonely and depressed and hopeless. Most of all, I think what helps people is just not being physically alone.

Is she a believer? If so, you can (gently) share the Bible with her. Stay away from Romans 8:28 and those verses because right now she is not ready to hear that God intended this for her good. She can't see past the sorrow right now. I would share these verses with her first: Isaiah chapter 41, the Book of Psalms and Job. Again, start with verses where someone is crying out to the Lord in times of trouble because that is where she is right now.

This is not an exhaustive list, but these are verses that I found comfort in during hard times:

Psalm 27:13-14: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.” (NASB)

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” (KJV)

Isaiah 41:13 “For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (KJV)

Isaiah 57:1-2 “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” (NIV)

II Corinthians 4:7-9 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” (NASB)

“ I will feed My flock and I will lead them to rest,” declares the Lord GOD. “I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the broken and strengthen the sick . . . ” Ezekiel 34:15-16 (NASB)

“For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, he will lead them to springs of living water; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:17 (NIV)

Job 42:12a “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.” (NIV)

Psalm 84:11 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (NASB)

Job 23:10 “But he knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” (NASB)

James 5:11 “We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.” (NASB)

My Obed-Edom

2009-09-30T13:26:00.003-04:00

There are times when my hurt is so overwhelming and the pain is so intense that I feel incapable of trusting God. My faith is shaken because God has not given me the life that I imagined and He does not answer my prayers the way that I want or at the time that I want. Like David’s reaction after Uzziah was struck instantly dead after touching the ark of the covenant (II Samuel 6:9-12), I feel angry at God and scared of a God who could have allowed this pain to exist for an extended period of time in my life. God knows every thought I have so He knows my resentment, my anger, my disappointment, my bitterness. It sometimes leads me to a crossroads and I must choose to decide to trust God more than I trust my own disappointment. Will I glorify God by the changes in my life or will I vilify Him?

Reflect on a time when you watched God richly bless someone else in the area of finances, ministry, physical healing, or the like while you were enduring something painful. Picture him or her as your own version of Obed-edom. How did you respond to it? Before you answer the question, please trust that the purpose is not to make you feel condemned if you didn’t handle it well. Rather, it is to help us see if we’ve distanced ourselves from God and grown resentful so we can then run back home to His heart. (Beth Moore. Annointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David.)

Survivor's Guilt

2009-09-17T20:49:00.000-04:00

I must warn you that there will come a time during the grief process where we must detach ourselves from our loved one(s). I remember shortly after the accident a man who had recently lost his wife told me the same thing and I rebelled inside and felt that it would never happen to me. But it did. My life has and is continuing to go forward even while my heart is still tied to those I lost. I will always love Aaron, but the pain won’t always be as sharp as it was immediately following his death. For all practical purposes, I am now single, alone, and no longer attached and a part of a couple. New memories are being made and life moves forward even though we are no longer together. It hurts and there is a measure of guilt involved -- guilt that everything changes and that I am changing too. Time passes even when it seems impossible. There were days when I didn’t think that I had the strength to make it through the next 10 minutes, let alone the next day. Every tick of the clock seemed an eternity, but time inevitably passed even if it was in lurches. As much as I want to keep things frozen in time, I am powerless to do so, as powerless as I am to bring Aaron and Grace back.

Where Are You Lord? Why Am I Forgotten?

2009-09-10T21:18:00.004-04:00

Isaiah 41:13 “For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (KJV)

Psalm 46:4-5 says, “There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day.” (NIV). If I lived in a city during the time of King David and an enemy’s army was outside the walls, the scariest time would be the dead of night. I liken that to my grief. The scariest times for me were in the darkest time of night when I was confronted with my loneliness and my vulnerability. When I would lie in bed and beg God to change my circumstances, restore my joy, and give me peace. I could identify with the Israelites and how they must have heard the enemy soldiers outside their walls even though they could not see them and had no idea how many were. My biggest fear was also the unknown and the future that stretched before me with no hint of light or end of pain. When we are in these circumstances, this verse encourages us to stand our ground. Even though things sound bad and we have no idea what is ahead, God is going to bring us help, comfort, and aid at the break of day. We just have to have enough faith to stand firm all night at the city wall and wait for the daybreak to come. So the question we all wonder is “What if that day never comes?”

The disciples also give us another example of questioning God’s timetable. Matthew 14 tells the story of the day that Jesus fed the five thousand. After this miraculous event, he sends his disciples out alone on a boat around 6 p.m. and a storm struck. In fact, hours passed and Jesus did not come. The disciples must have been angry and asked the same hard questions that I would have asked:

How much longer do I have to wait for this storm to end?
If Jesus was God, He must have known the storm was coming and yet sent us out onto the water?
I am crying out to Him and He promised to hear my voice so why isn’t He responding?
Why did He care about feeding five thousand people and not me, His follower?
Am I not important to Him?
I can’t see him through this storm. Is He even there?
Is everything I believed a lie?

Many of us find ourselves in the same situation: waiting for the Lord to change our circumstances, searching for hope and for an end to our loneliness, our problems, our disappointments, and our sorrow.

Matthew 14:25 tells us that Jesus finally came by walking on the lake during the fourth watch of the night (3:00 to 6:00 a.m.). Why did He wait so long? If we study the passage further, something remarkable happens. Peter steps out of the boat and in a demonstration of his faith, he walks on water to meet his Lord. Stop and consider what Peter was feeling. Many times when I read these stories, I fool myself into believing that these are characters who were not real people just like me. I have always assumed that Peter was confident and full of courage and knowledge after his time with Jesus, after all according to church history he was the man who asked to die hung upside down on the cross because he did not feel worthy of a death like his Lord. But, after thinking about Peter’s dilemma, I think Peter was tired of being in the boat. He knew that he couldn’t fight the storm any longer and that he had reached the end of his reserves. In desperation, he took a chance and walked to the one person who could save him from his circumstance. Peter would not have dared to walk on water if he hadn’t endured a long night in the middle of the storm. Like Peter, I am on a sinking boat of sorrow and loneliness, of unfulfilled dreams and disappointments. My choice is to stay where I am at and continue to sink farther or to climb out and draw close to Jesus in a way that I never would have dreamed possible if I hadn’t been forced to make the choice. I had to draw upon my Lord’s strength and determine that I was going to go on. It takes amazing courage to live a different life than the one that you had expected and dreamed of having.

What if we are too afraid to get out of the sinking boat? When we are afraid of the future and our present circumstances, God has a message to us in Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV). This verse reminds me of being a young child. I would pretend to fall asleep in the car on the way home so that my father would pick me up and carry me inside to my bed. I remember the feeling of my father being so strong and that I could completely trust him to not drop me. We can also trust our safety and our security to the Lord. Returning to the disciples in the boat, Jesus was always there even when the disciples could not see him through the wind and the waves. Jesus is always there for you even when you can not see him through the pain. Max Lucado writes, “Faith is a desperate dive out of the sinking boat of human effort and a prayer that God will be there to pull us out of the water.” Trust him to perform his healing on your life and for his strength. In His Word, God promises relief will come. Stand firm and believe.

How You Can Help

2009-09-10T20:53:00.002-04:00

I didn't write this. I actually saw it on a young lady's page who lost her husband as well.

Since the loss of my husband and daughter, my heart's desire has been to help others who have suffered loss. I remember before their deaths, I would want to help others who are hurting but never knew what to say or what to do. Now, I know after having experienced it myself. I thought I would post this for others in hopes that it will help you to know how to reach out to others who are hurting. This summarizes all the things that I was feeling and didn't know how to say at the time.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME - author unknown

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.