To Live is Christ; To Die is Gain

One of the advantages of experiencing loss is that my view of death has changed. I no longer fear my own death. I now can understand Paul’s meaning when he penned the words, “to live is Christ, to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). Paul spent his entire life in devotion to Christ and he knew that his imminent and inevitable death while he waited his beheading would be his departure to his true home, heaven (Philippians 3:20).

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she intuitively knew that she would not be cured. When the doctor delivered the news that her cancer was fatal, her reaction was acceptance. As any mother would, she worried about leaving behind her family and mourned that she would not live to see her future grandchildren, but she was surrendered to God’s will even though it meant that she would not receive an earthly deliverance. In our most vulnerable moments, we all fear death, but Hebrews 2:15 says that He will free us from the fear of death which has enslaved us.

Before experiencing death of my close loved ones, I had always imagined death as a defeat and as Satan’s victory. In reality, death is God’s ultimate rescue from a sinful world, from decaying bodies, from pain and suffering, and to bring us into His presence spiritually and physically. “The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed, and will bring me safely to His kingdom; to Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.” (II Timothy 4:18, NASB). As we finish our lives and the path ahead of us, we need to desire in our lives (and in our deaths), that Christ be exalted (Philippians 1:20). At the time of our deaths, we will finally encounter Christ who laid down His life for us. As we close our eyes in this world, we will open them to the magnificience of heaven and to see the face we have waited our entire spiritual life to see. What a beautiful day that will be.

If you are suffering from overwhelming and paralyzing grief from the loss of a loved one or shock from an unexpected diagnosis, Romans 8:18 reminds us that our present sufferings and circumstances will be nothing when we compare them to the glory that is ahead. Life is not over here. The best is yet to come.

Deliver Me!

Do you relate to these verses?

"I loathe my own life: I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul." (Job 10:1, NASB)

"My days are past, my plans are torn apart, even the wishes of my heart."

"For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes." (Job 17:11, NASB)

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day." (Psalm 13:1-2, NASB)

"I am benumbed and badly crushed: I groan because of the agitation of my heart."(Psalm 38:8, NASB)

"I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; My eyes fail while I wait for my God."  (Psalm 69:3)

God is our deliverer (Psalms 140:7). He can deliver us from our troubles or He can deliver us through our troubles. Over the course of our life, we probably have (and will have in the future) experienced both. Constantly, we must challenge ourselves to not measure God by our expectation for they are limited. God does not deliver us by the same methods over and over or in the way that we dictate. There are times when God does deliver from loneliness or from sickness, but there are times when He gives you the strength to go through it.

If you are experiencing a time of trouble, we need prayer to see God continue to deliver us. Have you ever experienced the effects of intercessory prayer? During the first year of my loss, I felt the prayers of people around me. It gave me peace and comfort even during the time of my life when my heart was shattered. People wrote me saying that they had been praying for me, people I didn't even know. I can testify with complete confidence that those prayers delivered me from the deep pit of depression and gave me the strength to carry on. 

This is not an exhaustive list, but the book of Psalms offers many verses of comfort and hope for the Lord's deliverance. 

Psalm 9:9-10

Psalm 33:20

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 40:1-3

Psalm 50:15

Psalm 68:5-6

Psalm 82:4

Psalm 84:11

Psalm 116:5-7

Psalm 119:143

Psalm 121

Psalm 145:18-19

Psalm 146:8-9

Psalm 147:11

Temper Tantrum

Job 5:2 “Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.” (NLT)
Psalm 37:8” Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm.” (NLT)

Last summer, I determined that I was going to power-wash my deck and remove the buildup from the elements. I hooked up the hose to the power-washer and turned it on and nothing happened. Machinery malfunctions all the time and it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it enraged me. I screamed in frustration and kicked it with all my might across the garage. I picked it up and threw it onto the cement driveway and grabbed a T-ball bat and started smashing it. All the anger and resentment poured out of me in my temper tantrum as my kids stood with their mouths agape in shock. My face burns in shame when I think of how ridiculous I must have looked to my neighbors and my children. What I was really so angry about was the fact that this would have been my husband’s job had he been alive. But, now it’s mine and I hate it. I hate the responsibility of having to do the job of both a father and a mother, of having to manage the upkeep of the home, of having no one to help me make decisions, of having to provide financially for my children, of feeling like no one really understood how much I hurt, of spending every night alone.

It is well-documented that anger is the second stage we must pass through to heal from loss. During this time, the grieving individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. For awhile, denial worked for me. I tried to convince myself that Aaron was away on a business trip and Grace had never been born, but I was confronted with the loss eventually and I heard myself uttering these phrases “Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; Kubler-Ross believes that during this stage it’s normal for any individual that symbolizes life or energy to be subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

I am ashamed to admit it, but there are times when I am so envious of others. Friends complain to me about their marital problems and although I would never say this to them, inside I am thinking, “At least you have a husband. Mine is dead and I am all alone.” Envy is like a disease. Solomon says in Proverbs 14:30 that envy rots our bones. I have hated that in myself, but it seemed as though I am unable to rise above it. Especially at first, it was so painful to see families together and know that I was once like them.

My childish temper tantrum reminds me of my daughter. Lily has many wonderful qualities, but she is very stubborn and has been since birth. There was a time around her first birthday when she and I really engaged in a power struggle over who was actually in control of our relationship. Most parents have probably experienced something similar with their child at one point or another (or maybe several times). Being the bright child that she is, she quickly figured out that she had the upper hand when we were in public. I remember being in Target one time with her and she decided she did not want to be there. Her plans for what she wanted to do were different than mine and she was going to make it as difficult as possible for me to complete my agenda. She laid down on the store floor and screamed in rage and kicked her feet. When I tried to pick her up, she would alternate between going completely limp and rigid just to make things difficult and announce her displeasure. I did the same with God when I screamed and kicked the power-washer. Like my one-year old daughter, I was angry because God’s plans for my life were different than mine. I have also had to submit to my Heavenly Father, my loving parent, and allow Him to guide me in my life. It's not easy. I still feel envious sometimes, but with God's help, hopefully I can stop having temper tantrums.

Psalm 46 (NIV)

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

My Disappointment

Every year, my Christmas list would be the first one finished because I only asked for one thing: a Barbie Dream House. It was so beautiful, and so out of my parent's price range. Each year, I would hope and pray that the small wrapped presents under the tree with my name would reveal underneath all the wrappings a little note that would say, "Look in the closet for your REAL present". I imagined myself opening the closet door and gasping with surprise and happiness when I saw the Barbie dream house, but the dream house was just that -- a dream. I never received one, but my cousin did. I would go over to her house and see all her toys and watch her play with the toy that I so desperately wanted knowing that it wasn't mine and she didn't even care about it as much as I did. And I was disappointed.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. We all have something in our life that we want and repeatedly ask God for: maybe we are praying for a baby like Hannah, a restored relationship that is beyond repair, someone to love us, a nicer home, financial relief, improved health, the salvation of a loved one, and the list goes on. When no relief comes, our faith is shaken because God has not given us the life we hoped for, planned for, and worked for. He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want or when we want and it hurts.

I never expected to be a widow at the age of 33 or to lose one of my children. I never would have chosen to raise my children as a single mom. Those were disappointments to me because it was not how I dreamed my life would be. But, the disappointment has continued as three-and-a-half years have past and I am still alone and raising kids alone and I don't foresee an end in sight. God knows how I feel about my circumstance which entails emotions ranging from anger, resentment, envy, and bitterness. Can you relate? Is there a prayer in your life that is unanswered or a circumstance that you wish there were a way out?

This is when our faith is challenged and when it can wither and die or it can grow. Do you believe that God in His wisdom and goodness allowed your pain? Ouch. That is a stumblingblock for all of us who have suffered loss. How could God who proclaims a deep love for me allow me to not only hurt like this, but continue in it? Psalms 139:13-17 says that our lives - including our pain - were planned by God. But that pain has a purpose. Joseph did not understand why he was falsely accused and imprisoned, but God had a reason for it and it was a big one. To save the Hebrew nation. All we can do is trust God in the midst that some good will come and that our pain will have a purpose.

A bruised heart that chooses to beat with a passion for God amid pulsing pain may be the most expensive offering placed on the divine altar. -- Beth Moore

Beating the Holiday Blues

Christmas used to be fun. As a child/young adult, I would count down the days until Christmas and carefully make out my lists and dream of all the possibilities that the day would bring. Now, holidays are just like any other day and something I would rather avoid. Why did they become like that? I think there are a number of reasons: holidays are now devoid of meaning because our old traditions and reunions are impossible with the loss of a loved one, financial limitations, loneliness, separation from friends, the reasons go on. Holiday blues set in and rob us of the joy of the season.

How do we overcome the holiday blues? There are practical things such as eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, surrounding yourself with support and avoiding those who annoy us, scheduling downtime, sticking to a budget, make new traditions, do something or watch something that makes you laugh, and look for opportunities to do something for others.

Our faith also comes into play. We have to believe that God blesses the faithful.

Max Lucado writes this, "Just when the womb gets too old for babies, Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace, David is pardoned. And just when the road is too dark for Mary and Mary, the angel glows, and the Savior shows, and the two women will never be the same. The lesson? Three words. Don't give up. Is the trail dark? Don't sit. Is the road long? Don't stop. Is the night black? Don't quit.... God is watching. For all you know, right at this moment he may be telling the angel to move the stone. The check may be in the mail. The apology may be in the making. The job contract may be on the desk. Don't quit. For if you do, you may miss the answer to your prayers. God still sends angels. And God still moves stones."

Lonely, So Lonely

There are 6.8 billion people on the Earth at the time of this writing, and yet I am lonely. How is this possible, there are people everywhere! It’s obvious that loneliness is not cured by having people in your vicinity. Max Lucado writes, “Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone. Feeling as if you are facing death alone, facing disease alone, facing the future alone.” While you may be facing these things, you aren’t alone for the Lord is with you. God loves and will not leave you even when your friends don’t give you the support you need or at night when you cry yourself to sleep. Your future is not empty. You have God walking alongside with you and don’t need to be desperate for the love of others.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NIV)