My Disappointment

Every year, my Christmas list would be the first one finished because I only asked for one thing: a Barbie Dream House. It was so beautiful, and so out of my parent's price range. Each year, I would hope and pray that the small wrapped presents under the tree with my name would reveal underneath all the wrappings a little note that would say, "Look in the closet for your REAL present". I imagined myself opening the closet door and gasping with surprise and happiness when I saw the Barbie dream house, but the dream house was just that -- a dream. I never received one, but my cousin did. I would go over to her house and see all her toys and watch her play with the toy that I so desperately wanted knowing that it wasn't mine and she didn't even care about it as much as I did. And I was disappointed.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. We all have something in our life that we want and repeatedly ask God for: maybe we are praying for a baby like Hannah, a restored relationship that is beyond repair, someone to love us, a nicer home, financial relief, improved health, the salvation of a loved one, and the list goes on. When no relief comes, our faith is shaken because God has not given us the life we hoped for, planned for, and worked for. He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want or when we want and it hurts.

I never expected to be a widow at the age of 33 or to lose one of my children. I never would have chosen to raise my children as a single mom. Those were disappointments to me because it was not how I dreamed my life would be. But, the disappointment has continued as three-and-a-half years have past and I am still alone and raising kids alone and I don't foresee an end in sight. God knows how I feel about my circumstance which entails emotions ranging from anger, resentment, envy, and bitterness. Can you relate? Is there a prayer in your life that is unanswered or a circumstance that you wish there were a way out?

This is when our faith is challenged and when it can wither and die or it can grow. Do you believe that God in His wisdom and goodness allowed your pain? Ouch. That is a stumblingblock for all of us who have suffered loss. How could God who proclaims a deep love for me allow me to not only hurt like this, but continue in it? Psalms 139:13-17 says that our lives - including our pain - were planned by God. But that pain has a purpose. Joseph did not understand why he was falsely accused and imprisoned, but God had a reason for it and it was a big one. To save the Hebrew nation. All we can do is trust God in the midst that some good will come and that our pain will have a purpose.

A bruised heart that chooses to beat with a passion for God amid pulsing pain may be the most expensive offering placed on the divine altar. -- Beth Moore