There are 6.8 billion people on the Earth at the time of this writing, and yet I am lonely. How is this possible, there are people everywhere! It’s obvious that loneliness is not cured by having people in your vicinity. Max Lucado writes, “Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone. Feeling as if you are facing death alone, facing disease alone, facing the future alone.” While you may be facing these things, you aren’t alone for the Lord is with you. God loves and will not leave you even when your friends don’t give you the support you need or at night when you cry yourself to sleep. Your future is not empty. You have God walking alongside with you and don’t need to be desperate for the love of others.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NIV)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Always Winter, But Never Christmas
In the winter following Aaron and Grace’s death, I would look out my window and see the barren trees and think to myself how my life mirrored them. My feelings are echoed in C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia, that when the White Witch cast her spell she trapped everything into an “always winter but never Christmas world”. Lewis’s illustration of snow melting is a good one, I think, to suggest how a person’s long coldness of heart may be changed, bit by bit, into a warmer, living heart for God. Like the tree in the summer, my life was once lush, beautiful, rich, full of color, and fragrant. Then fall set in, and the bright green summer leaves fell away and left the tree ugly, barren, dark, and empty. Now, I look out at the trees and know that even in the midst of winter, the trees’ roots and foundations aren’t injured at all. It is making way for new leaves in the spring. Our lives are like that too. The disappointments and pain in life make room for new and different blessings. We will bloom again someday.
"All around them, though out of sight, there were streams chattering, bubbling, splashing and even (in the distance) roaring. And his heart gave a great leap (though he hardly knew why) when he realised that the frost was over." C.S. Lewis
"All around them, though out of sight, there were streams chattering, bubbling, splashing and even (in the distance) roaring. And his heart gave a great leap (though he hardly knew why) when he realised that the frost was over." C.S. Lewis
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Help! A Milestone is Coming.....
Some suggestions for upcoming milestones are as follows:
• There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.
• Focus your celebrations on the season: go to a mountain lodge; go sledding or skiing, or just take a walk in the woods--time out to enjoy what nature has to offer in this season.
• Include the deceased in your conversations and celebrations. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Look at photographs. Once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one, they can relate stories that will add to your pleasant memories.
• Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
• Plan to be with the people YOU enjoy.
• Do something for others: volunteer at a soup kitchen; visit the lonely and shut-ins; ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family; provide help for a needy family; volunteer at the airport to pour coffee for stranded travelers; or offer to volunteer in a hospital on the holiday; if your city has a Ronald McDonald House, see if you can help make their holiday happier.
• Don't be afraid to express your feelings. Allow people to comfort you. They need to feel they are helping in some way.
• Remember, anticipation of any holiday is much worse than the actual holiday.
• Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.
• Try to get enough rest.
• There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.
• Focus your celebrations on the season: go to a mountain lodge; go sledding or skiing, or just take a walk in the woods--time out to enjoy what nature has to offer in this season.
• Include the deceased in your conversations and celebrations. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Look at photographs. Once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one, they can relate stories that will add to your pleasant memories.
• Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
• Plan to be with the people YOU enjoy.
• Do something for others: volunteer at a soup kitchen; visit the lonely and shut-ins; ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family; provide help for a needy family; volunteer at the airport to pour coffee for stranded travelers; or offer to volunteer in a hospital on the holiday; if your city has a Ronald McDonald House, see if you can help make their holiday happier.
• Don't be afraid to express your feelings. Allow people to comfort you. They need to feel they are helping in some way.
• Remember, anticipation of any holiday is much worse than the actual holiday.
• Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.
• Try to get enough rest.
My Friend is Experiencing Loss: What Can I do?
Your friend is hurting and in crisis. You want to help, but you don't know how. Here are some suggestions and tips. Please reread the post "How You Can Help Me" on this blog for additional practical ideas:
If you are geographically close, drop by as much as possible and just keep your friend company. If you aren't nearby, call her daily to let her know that she is not alone and look closely for abnormal depression. In my experience (a general rule of thumb), the most critical times are weeks 6-10 when depression really gets a hold on you after the shock and adrenaline wear off. If you see signs of utter despair and hopelessness and the Holy Spirit plants an urge in you to worry, you need to drop everything and go to her and don't wait. Just knowing that someone will be stopping by helps you feel more accountable. Just draw upon your own experiences and remember what helped you when you felt lonely and depressed and hopeless. Most of all, I think what helps people is just not being physically alone.
Is she a believer? If so, you can (gently) share the Bible with her. Stay away from Romans 8:28 and those verses because right now she is not ready to hear that God intended this for her good. She can't see past the sorrow right now. I would share these verses with her first: Isaiah chapter 41, the Book of Psalms and Job. Again, start with verses where someone is crying out to the Lord in times of trouble because that is where she is right now.
This is not an exhaustive list, but these are verses that I found comfort in during hard times:
Psalm 27:13-14: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.” (NASB)
Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” (KJV)
Isaiah 41:13 “For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (KJV)
Isaiah 57:1-2 “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” (NIV)
II Corinthians 4:7-9 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” (NASB)
“ I will feed My flock and I will lead them to rest,” declares the Lord GOD. “I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the broken and strengthen the sick . . . ” Ezekiel 34:15-16 (NASB)
“For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, he will lead them to springs of living water; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:17 (NIV)
Job 42:12a “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.” (NIV)
Psalm 84:11 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (NASB)
Job 23:10 “But he knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” (NASB)
James 5:11 “We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.” (NASB)
If you are geographically close, drop by as much as possible and just keep your friend company. If you aren't nearby, call her daily to let her know that she is not alone and look closely for abnormal depression. In my experience (a general rule of thumb), the most critical times are weeks 6-10 when depression really gets a hold on you after the shock and adrenaline wear off. If you see signs of utter despair and hopelessness and the Holy Spirit plants an urge in you to worry, you need to drop everything and go to her and don't wait. Just knowing that someone will be stopping by helps you feel more accountable. Just draw upon your own experiences and remember what helped you when you felt lonely and depressed and hopeless. Most of all, I think what helps people is just not being physically alone.
Is she a believer? If so, you can (gently) share the Bible with her. Stay away from Romans 8:28 and those verses because right now she is not ready to hear that God intended this for her good. She can't see past the sorrow right now. I would share these verses with her first: Isaiah chapter 41, the Book of Psalms and Job. Again, start with verses where someone is crying out to the Lord in times of trouble because that is where she is right now.
This is not an exhaustive list, but these are verses that I found comfort in during hard times:
Psalm 27:13-14: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.” (NASB)
Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” (KJV)
Isaiah 41:13 “For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (KJV)
Isaiah 57:1-2 “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” (NIV)
II Corinthians 4:7-9 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” (NASB)
“ I will feed My flock and I will lead them to rest,” declares the Lord GOD. “I will seek the lost, bring back the scattered, bind up the broken and strengthen the sick . . . ” Ezekiel 34:15-16 (NASB)
“For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, he will lead them to springs of living water; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:17 (NIV)
Job 42:12a “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.” (NIV)
Psalm 84:11 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (NASB)
Job 23:10 “But he knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” (NASB)
James 5:11 “We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.” (NASB)
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