Temper Tantrum

Job 5:2 “Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.” (NLT)
Psalm 37:8” Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm.” (NLT)

Last summer, I determined that I was going to power-wash my deck and remove the buildup from the elements. I hooked up the hose to the power-washer and turned it on and nothing happened. Machinery malfunctions all the time and it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it enraged me. I screamed in frustration and kicked it with all my might across the garage. I picked it up and threw it onto the cement driveway and grabbed a T-ball bat and started smashing it. All the anger and resentment poured out of me in my temper tantrum as my kids stood with their mouths agape in shock. My face burns in shame when I think of how ridiculous I must have looked to my neighbors and my children. What I was really so angry about was the fact that this would have been my husband’s job had he been alive. But, now it’s mine and I hate it. I hate the responsibility of having to do the job of both a father and a mother, of having to manage the upkeep of the home, of having no one to help me make decisions, of having to provide financially for my children, of feeling like no one really understood how much I hurt, of spending every night alone.

It is well-documented that anger is the second stage we must pass through to heal from loss. During this time, the grieving individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. For awhile, denial worked for me. I tried to convince myself that Aaron was away on a business trip and Grace had never been born, but I was confronted with the loss eventually and I heard myself uttering these phrases “Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; Kubler-Ross believes that during this stage it’s normal for any individual that symbolizes life or energy to be subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

I am ashamed to admit it, but there are times when I am so envious of others. Friends complain to me about their marital problems and although I would never say this to them, inside I am thinking, “At least you have a husband. Mine is dead and I am all alone.” Envy is like a disease. Solomon says in Proverbs 14:30 that envy rots our bones. I have hated that in myself, but it seemed as though I am unable to rise above it. Especially at first, it was so painful to see families together and know that I was once like them.

My childish temper tantrum reminds me of my daughter. Lily has many wonderful qualities, but she is very stubborn and has been since birth. There was a time around her first birthday when she and I really engaged in a power struggle over who was actually in control of our relationship. Most parents have probably experienced something similar with their child at one point or another (or maybe several times). Being the bright child that she is, she quickly figured out that she had the upper hand when we were in public. I remember being in Target one time with her and she decided she did not want to be there. Her plans for what she wanted to do were different than mine and she was going to make it as difficult as possible for me to complete my agenda. She laid down on the store floor and screamed in rage and kicked her feet. When I tried to pick her up, she would alternate between going completely limp and rigid just to make things difficult and announce her displeasure. I did the same with God when I screamed and kicked the power-washer. Like my one-year old daughter, I was angry because God’s plans for my life were different than mine. I have also had to submit to my Heavenly Father, my loving parent, and allow Him to guide me in my life. It's not easy. I still feel envious sometimes, but with God's help, hopefully I can stop having temper tantrums.